Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down a road and back again
Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant!
For some reason when I think deeply about the word friend, either the “Friends” or “Golden Girls” theme song comes to mind. Looking at the words though, I can agree that these are the true characteristics of a friend. Someone who has traveled down a road with you AND back again. They have a true heart AND you can confide in them. Over the years I’ve learned the following lessons about friendship.
1. Don’t be afraid to admit that you need a friend
Jesus is the greatest friend. There is no going around this. People will hurt us and disappoint us. In spite of this, God knows that as humans we were never meant to go through life in isolation (Ecclesiastes 4:10). I believe friendship is just one of the many gifts that He intends for us to experience. So many times we are encouraged to pray for a spouse, a job, money, etc., so why not a friend?
Whenever someone expresses the feeling of being lonely, people tend to think that the person might be referring to not being involved in a romantic relationship. This is the case sometimes, however, loneliness due to not having any friends is just as real and common.
I have literally prayed and asked God for a friend when I was feeling lonely. This is something I started practicing when I was younger and when I have my kids I pray that God will surround them with great friends also. When I moved to a new neighborhood at 9 and knew no one, I felt really uncomfortable for a while. I became friends with people but it seemed like everyone already had a best friend and I was always a third-wheel. God saw my need (even at this young age) and soon after I found my first best friend. Throughout my pre-teen/teen years other friends came along, and also while living on campus.
As an adult, friendships are more complex and harder to navigate. I recently read that the average American hasn’t made a new friend in 5 years. Loneliness has also been found to be more prevalent in your late 20s. This is usually due to changes in jobs, settling down, family dynamics, etc. Even in seasons like these, you should still be encouraged and persistent in knowing that lonely seasons won’t last forever. If you are willing to put yourself out there and ask, you will definitely receive.
2. choose Quality over quantity
I’ve seen people boast about having many friends, but I would rather boast about having a handful of quality friends. A quality friend is someone who has seen all sides of you and they still remain by your side. They remind you of who you are when you’ve forgotten, they listen, and they push you to make the best choices. They see the sadness in your eyes when you’ve been fake smiling all day, you can trust them with your secrets, they are there for you no matter what. Quality friendships are also purposeful. When I think about the different temptations and pressures that most young people face growing up, I realized it was easier for me to not engage in certain things because my friends weren’t involved in them either. Even when I did make poor choices or vice versa we were there to call each other out about it (Proverbs 27:17). As an adult, I’ve found so much value in having a few quality friends who have been there when I was feeling stressed or just weighed down with adulting.
3. True friendships are mutually beneficial
If you are constantly pouring into a friendship and the other person barely contributes, you should question if your friendship is really genuine. One of my favorite verses about friendship says “A man that has friends must show himself friendly, and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother” -Proverbs 18:24. If you are always the friend who’s reaching out, planning a get-together, remembering birthdays, spending money, sacrificing time, etc and you don’t receive any of the same efforts in return, something is wrong. If you were really being honest with yourself, you would realize that you are in a one-sided friendship.
I have been there before and it’s not a nice feeling. It’s actually painful. I had to ask myself why don’t I hear from this person for months and why am I the only one who seems to care? Why do I find out about their life updates online and not privately? Why don’t they ever seem to ask me how I’m doing? In order to maintain a friendship, you must be friendly and you must be committed. I too am sometimes guilty of not reaching out as often as I should, however, because I know how it feels to be basically “ghosted” by a “friend”, I do try to make more of an effort. As an adult, I know that life can get extremely busy. This is why I’ve personally grown to value low-maintenance friendships. We may not talk every single day of the week or see each other as often as we’d like but whenever we do get together, we pick up right where we left off. Even if the friendship is low-maintenance at least there’s an effort from both people involved.
4. Friendship break-ups are painful too
If you are in a one-sided friendship, this may be a sign that your friendship is already broken up or about to be. It’s especially difficult if you have expressed your feelings about how you feel and receive little to no improvements in the friendship. The pain of growing distant from someone you have shared memories and secrets with is not easy to bear. In situations like these, it’s best to give yourself time to heal and be comforted in the fact that there are still great friendships to be experienced (Psalm 34:18). One day you will be able to look back and see there was a purpose for the break-up.
5. You don’t have to agree on everything.
Growing up this was definitely a common misconception. If you liked something then your friend had to like it also. But with age, comes wisdom. My friends don’t always agree with my choices and I don’t always agree with theirs. We may not think the same, dress the same, vote the same, worship the same, etc., but we try to maintain a level of love, respect, and honesty with one another. These are the foundations that strong friendships are built upon. Recently, I had a friend honestly open up to me about the way I reacted to a situation and how my reaction left her feeling hurt. This was an extremely difficult conversation, but because we respect and love one another we were able to handle it maturely and keep our friendship intact.
6. Loyalty and trust are essential
I think that when you watch most TV shows these days, especially reality tv, there’s a prevalence in creating “mean girl” or “frenemy” storylines These kinds of friendships are toxic and should never be friendship goals. If my friend is opening a business, or getting married, receiving a promotion, or having any positive news in their lives and I can’t support them, then something is wrong. If they are going through a rough time in life and I don’t make an effort to support them, then something is wrong. Real friendships thrive off loyalty and trust.
In today’s society, we are quick to cut people off for the slightest things, loyalty is no longer valued and grace is limited. I’ve always said that I want a Jonathan and David kind of friendship (1 Samuel 18). Jonathan’s soul was knitted with David’s and he loved him as his own soul. Jonathan was a literal “ride or die” friend for David. These are the type of friendships we should be emulating. Stay true to your friends and love them hard.
7. Not all friendships last, but it’s possible to have friends for a lifetime
Some of the friendships that I prayed for did not last. It’s hard sometimes to understand why these friendships couldn’t have gone further than they did, especially if there weren’t any negative experiences. I had to realize that these friendships were only meant to be in my life to help me through a certain season. Today, I have a couple of close friends that I love dearly. My longest friendship has lasted for 17 years (most of my life). It’s crazy to me that I’ve been friends with someone for so long. When I think about all of my friendships, the beauty of the memories we have shared are priceless.
To go from talking about how our weddings would be when we grew up, to actually being in each other’s weddings. From staying up all night in our dorm rooms talking about life to meeting up every few weeks to talk about how the life we dreamed of is going. From going through the awkward phases of young adulthood to becoming more confident young women of God. I appreciate each of these moments and the friends I’ve crossed paths with over the years. If you haven’t experienced any great friendships so far in your life, remain encouraged that one day you will and God sees your good desire.
What are some lessons you’ve learned about friendship over the years?
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