Looking back, before I got married there were a couple of details I spent some time considering to prepare myself for what was about to come. However, honestly speaking, some things you will never understand until you experience it.
I have only been married for a year and a half, and I know of course there is still so much to learn. Whether you are single or engaged, I believe you should ask yourself these 10 questions below before you get married:
1. Do I love myself?
To love someone else properly, you must first love yourself. Part of loving yourself is building a relationship with Christ while waiting on His very best for you. God’s best for you will always bring you closer to Him, not further away. Loving yourself also means being confident in who God has made you to be, and knowing your-self worth. This means knowing your beauty, your capability, and how special you are, without waiting for someone else to validate you. In many ways, I’m still growing, but I had to be secure in certain aspects about myself before inviting another person into my life.
I believe the best marriages are made up of two people who know they don’t complete each other, but they know they are compatible with each other. Love should be patient, love should be kind (1 Corinth. 13), this is a blueprint of a love worth waiting for.
2. Why do I want to get married?
Before you get married, if no one ever asks you, you should ask yourself, why do I want to get married? Before I even got engaged I would think about what my motivations for marrying Kareem were and ask him what his were as well. I knew this was a serious decision and we both had to have the same mindset to move forward.
Wrong motivations include: all your friends are getting married, you’re getting older, you want a nice wedding, you want to have sex, you want to leave your parent’s house, you have nothing else going on in your life, and the list goes on. Right motivations include: you are confident that this is the person God has handpicked for you and this is His will, the love you have for this person is more than a feeling, you are ready to be 100% committed to this person for the rest of your life, and so on.
3. Did I make the most out of my single season?
I believe your single season is one that you should try as best as possible to enjoy and make the most of. This is a time to be sure of what your beliefs and values are, pursue your dreams, get an education, travel, spend time with your friends, figure out what you truly like, walk in your calling, become more involved in church, etc. I knew I wanted to get my Masters, build a better prayer life, and pursue other interests before I got married. These activities are still achievable after you get married, and there is still so much I want to do. However, I now know it takes a bit more effort to learn how to balance them and marriage.
4. Do I struggle with comparison?
When you get married, there shouldn’t be any comparison between your marriage or anyone else’s. This has become more of an issue with our generation compared to generations in the past. As you probably guessed, this is largely due to the influence of social media. There is nothing wrong with admiring other couples or posting loving photos of you and your spouse. I think that especially in today’s society it’s important to show positive images of marriage. However, it is also important to keep in mind that people will always present their highlight reel online or in person, so be careful to not idolize others and despise your blessing. When God puts two people together it’s ultimately for his glory. If you and your spouse are trying to be like another couple, and you don’t embrace your uniqueness, He doesn’t get glory from this.
5. Do we have the same vision?
Having the same vision as the person you marry is essential to having a successful marriage. Before you get married you should both discuss a variety of topics. For example, do you want kids? How many? Do you want to buy a house? Where do you see yourselves in the next few years? Long term? As you get older, your vision and goals may change but it’s still important that both people support each other and are on the same page. If you are looking north and your spouse is looking south, this can create confusion (Amos 3:3) It’s also necessary to develop a team mindset. If Kareem is winning, I’m winning and the same goes for losing. At the end of the day, a vision thrives when it’s built on support and communication.
6. Am I aware that my devotion time will change?
Before I got married I could go pray and read my Bible whenever I wanted and for however long I wanted. I could give as much time to God as I wanted. When you get married, this is no longer the case. Your attention has to be focused on both God and your spouse. This means you can’t just decide the night before that you’re going to fast or maybe you want to get some quiet time with you and God for an extended time. All of this has to run by your spouse first and this is why it’s important to marry someone who is truly saved and consistently seeking God. Otherwise, they will never understand. You can still maintain a strong relationship with Jesus once your married, you just have to be more strategic and mindful about how you spend your time.
7. Do I know what it means to compromise?
I believe compromise is a true testament of love. When two different individuals come together, you will not always like the same things or go about doing things the same way. This is normal and to be expected. Kareem is a spontaneous person. I am more of a planner. He loves stew peas and I hate it. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert. Part of compromise is realizing these differences, and meeting your spouse halfway. This could mean maybe making the stew peas for their dinner and something else for yourself (lol). It doesn’t matter how much you think you know about someone before you get married. Once you get married, there’s, even more, to learn and more to compromise with. In the beginning stages, it might seem difficult, but after a while, you just have to accept your spouse for who they are. The differences between you and your spouse can push you to disagreements and selfishness or they can push you to compromise.
8. Do I know how to take care of a household?
Marriage is fun and exciting, but in between all this fun, there is still a house to clean and meals to be cooked. Before you get married you should have a desire to keep your personal space clean for yourself, and even more so after you get married because you will be sharing space with another person. When it comes to cooking, I know that sometimes there can be a lot of pressure (especially on women) to be a great cook. If cooking is not your thing, you can start off by asking your significant other what their favorite meals are. From there, you can focus on mastering these meals before you get married. You can also discuss expectations for how you each will manage household tasks. Your marriage will be yours and how you decide to go about this is completely up to the both of you. This should also be a time where you practice grocery shopping, looking about home decor, and whatever other everyday tasks you expect to tackle together after marriage. I think it also doesn’t hurt to ask other married people in your life how you can better be prepared in this area.
9. Do I know how to budget?
As you prepare to get married, it’s important to know how to save and what’s worth your money. You might think that when you get married this will mean double income and more money to spread around. However, when you and your spouse come together, you take on BOTH their income and their debt. This also means no longer paying for one meal at the Cheesecake Factory, you now have to pay for TWO! This means no longer paying for one plane ticket to Hawaii, but TWO!
Keep in mind the importance of asking each other what you consider a necessity and what is considered a want. It’s important to talk about outstanding bills, student loans, credit card debt, etc before marriage so you can be mentally and financially prepared. One of the things I appreciate that our parents did during our engagement, was put the bulk of the wedding planning on Kareem and I. I didn’t like it back then, but now I appreciate it because it better prepared us for how to handle budgeting as a team.
10. Do I know how to establish boundaries?
To have a strong marriage you have to have proper boundaries in place. These boundaries should be both internal and external. Having internal boundaries means learning not to cross the boundary of disrespect with one another (verbally, emotionally, physically). This also means learning how to keep your business private from anyone outside of your relationship. One of the pieces of advice that I appreciate my dad giving me right before I got married was to learn how to be private with certain details. This means your disagreements, low moments, sometimes even your happy moments, your choices, etc. Your marriage is yours and it should be protected at all times. There are many ways to help people and offer advice while using discretion about the details of your relationship. External boundaries also mean keeping interactions with the opposite sex at an acceptable level once married. Marriage is a gift from God and your spouse should always feel respected.
Feel free to comment your thoughts below!
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