Frustration – a word that often comes up as we experience the different stages of life. As we transition from season to season, this word, this feeling, appears more often than we would like.
As a young adult, frustration can even feel stifling and inescapable. It comes up when you’ve spent years in school, taken on thousands of dollars of debt, only to end up in a mediocre job that makes you question your self-worth. Or even when you thought by now you would own your dream home, traveled across the world, and become a master of maintaining huge savings. Instead, It appears again when another one of your friend’s engagement pops up on your newsfeed after you’ve spent another year single, getting older, and questioning why no one of substance ever seems to show interest in you. Let’s also not forget when you think about the call of God on your life, to do something great for His kingdom. But years have passed, and you have begun to feel doubtful of this call ever coming to pass.
Frustration is defined as “the emotions felt when one’s expectations are not met.” Frustration can lead to anger, doubt, discouragement, depression, and every other negative emotion that you can imagine. I have been there, and you have likely been there if you haven’t gotten what you wanted when you wanted it. It’s painful and exhausting. It also often turns you into someone you are not. It leaves you cynical, it leaves you isolated, and it leaves you feeling purposeless.
With all of these bad feelings, you might wonder why we hold on to them? When we take an honest look, I think we hold onto them because it feels good to be defensive or wallow in self-pity. If no one is going to feel bad about us not having our needs or goals, we might as well feel bad for ourselves. It’s our form of vengeance against the bad cards we believe we have been dealt with in life. At the moment it seems like the right response and it brings a false sense of comfort.
I remember the frustration I was dealing with about a year after graduating from grad school. I had my MPH from Columbia University and I thought this would lead to a great job in the public health field making lots of money. (Let’s be real, if you go to school for an advanced degree, your expecting an advanced salary to match.)
It was 2017, I was working at the health department, and my reality was far from my expectation. I had a great boss and coworkers, however, after a few months, I was already feeling unfulfilled and underpaid. Each time I would add my former classmates on LinkedIn, I would see updates on how they were receiving positions in management and other leadership roles. Even though I didn’t know their salaries, I knew they were making more than me and this angered me. It also made me question who I was, I felt unqualified, and I began to feel like my degree and time at Columbia was a complete waste. It also didn’t help that my parents (love them lol), always had their input about where I should work and how much I should make (I’ll save the Caribbean parent’s influence for a future blog). It was just too much and I found myself frustrated at my job, those closest to me, myself, and God. I felt like an emotional mess. I would cry about it, I would become angry and sometimes I would just hold everything inside and refuse to talk about it, or even pray about it.
After another year and a half, I decided to apply to other jobs. I finally got another position with more pay, and the work for the first few months was enjoyable but after a while, I felt unfulfilled again. The frustration was also back again, waiting to creep in and completely take over. I knew that this time I had to handle things differently, so I decided to focus on ways that this would not get the best of me AGAIN….., these were the four ways I learned (and I am still learning) how to manage frustration:
1. Be real with yourself
I remember on the occasions when I would talk to my close friends about my frustration with my work situation and they would try to encourage me by saying things like “maybe God is still preparing you for what you want and that’s why you haven’t gotten it yet.” I knew they meant well, but this would honestly leave me feeling more frustrated than encouraged. When I thought about why I wanted a better job, I realized it was because my intentions weren’t pure (Proverbs 16:2). I wanted a better job for the money, the pride in saying “I’ve made it” to my classmates or whoever would ask what kind of position I held. Both of these mindsets were because all I was concerned about was pleasing myself and others, not God. If I was being real with myself, I knew that although I did have the degree I didn’t have the experience to match a much higher paying salary yet. If I were to be thrown into a certain position I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with myself and my heart would be in the wrong place. When we are real with ourselves, it can feel like salt being thrown in an already painful wound. Having the desire to get a better job, to get married, to travel the world, are not bad desires. However, when the roots of those desires are more about us than Him, we’ve got it all wrong. If we want to obtain these things because we’re comparing ourselves with others or were trying to fill a void that only God can fill, then we have to realize the real reason we are feeling frustrated. The truth can hurt, but thank God He loves us so much to give it to us.
2. Release it into God’s hands
Reading this you might ask, what about situations where a person is frustrated because they are still sick? Or they have a spouse who no longer respects them? Or any other situation where it seems as if your intention to have your needs met is pure, and for God’s glory. Know this – it is still being worked out for your good (Romans 8:28) (keyword “worked out”) and this season that your going through will make you more Christlike, but only if you release the frustration to Him. It is such a freeing feeling to pray and leave things in God’s hands. Once I started to reach the end of myself, I had to pray as if everything depended on God, and not me. This is a process and something that still has to be done daily. When we do this there is peace and healing that covers the wound of frustration. You will find yourself being changed from the inside out.
3. Guard every opening in your life
What we look at? Who we listen to? What we think? These are all openings to our souls. The soul is made up of emotions and if we aren’t careful, frustration can be a tool that satan uses to destroy us. The openings that we need to guard in our life can be distorted by anything. For example, LinkedIn is a great tool to connect with colleagues and classmates, but I had to realize that each time I went on I was feeling frustrated due to the comparison that was growing in my heart. I knew that I had to avoid going on until I believed I was truly free of the frustrations I was dealing with. Another example of closing an opening is the thoughts that we entertain. I once heard Steven Furtick preach that we should spend more time “speaking to ourselves than listening to ourselves.” In your season of frustration, the thoughts you think can be negative, untruthful, and tormenting. It is important to talk back to these thoughts and encourage yourself! (Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again..Psalm 42:5).” Speaking the truth of God’s word over your life and listening to godly advice is essential to guarding every opening from frustration.
4. Repeat
This process is one that has to be repeated daily because whether we like it or not, frustrations will come. We must not let frustration strip us of who we are. It is a tool of distraction from all of the great ways God wants us to grow in Him. Frustration doesn’t have to get the best of us, what is meant for our destruction can ultimately be meant for our good (You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good ..Genesis 50:20).”
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